i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You are a genius and a whore.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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