Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
