How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
