I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
