Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
