When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
