You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
