My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
