Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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