This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
