if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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