Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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