When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
