Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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