My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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