I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
