I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize