I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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