My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
