there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
