you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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