He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You may now shotgun with the bride
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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