Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
