I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
