what day is it and did you see me today?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
