Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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