oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
