I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
