Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
