You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
