So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
