He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
