i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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