I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
