It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
