she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
