One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
