the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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