How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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