I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
