My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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