even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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