Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
its liver damage thursday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
