Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I take back everything I said about communal showers
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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