I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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