my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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