Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
