Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
