My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
