she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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