So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
