I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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