Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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