Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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