you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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