Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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