I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
